FINDING INNER SELF

I've been neglecting this a lot which is not cool because I promised myself I was going to use this to document my ideas, especially my photography ideas. Lately I haven't been inspired. I wanted to start a 365 project, which I did but unsuccessfully stopped at the second/third day. Now I just take a photograph once in a while so I'm guessing it'll take more than 365 days to complete. It could be because I've been having issues with myself -physically and mentally- and I can't find the proper photo that makes me feel "yeah, this is it, this is the way I look good and familiar".

Taking different types of ideas for my photos is something I've been liking. I really am tired of the same damn photo all the time because 1) I get bored, 2) I get bored, and 3) I get bored. I guess I'm not very surrealistic for my drawings for example, I do use some elements related to fantasy but it is focused on stories, or cartoons someday I want to develop. In my photography, on the other hand, I enjoy surrealism, and I think that's going to be my aim. And it's not because I want to fit into a movement, but I think my ideas are so messed up and scattered in my head, and putting everything in dream language makes it very easy to understand for me. 

So, I want to talk about some of my favorite surrealist photographers, or well, show some of their work because they inspire me and make me want to go visit other places, take parts of my ordinary life and transform them into something out of this world.

Firstable I want to talk about Kyle Thompson which was the first surreal photographer I had interest in. I know many people are following his work right now because of his featuring in Reddit, but he deserves it. Anyways, I really like the way he manages to put himself into difficult circumstances to achieve an awesome photograph, like this one for example (sorry, Kyle disable has disabled anyone from downloading his photographs) Whenever he updates his flickr and there's a photo of him in that pond, in his comments he always mentions how the plants in the water gave him a rash, or how he got cut with something and he caught an infection, or anything. I think he's awesome and brave. 

Another photographer I quite enjoy is Moritzaust. I have been following his work too and I think he's awesome. His concepts are not as complex as Kyle's, and I'm definitely not going to compare because they're both amazing in their own way. Moritzaust's work is simpler but beautiful to look at.

Finally, another favorite, Glenda Lisette. Not only she's a beautiful girl but she's extremely talented and she always amazes me with the ideas she comes up with. The colors in her photographs are warm and fantasy like, and I can't help to think that her photographs are always telling a beautiful and heartwarming story.

I'm afraid none of this artists allow downloading their photographs but make sure you visit those links, I assure you that you will not feel sorry. 

WEEKEND

This weekend was actually kind of fun. My boyfriend and his friends opened a show for some guys from the capital. The event was kind of boring, I didn't get to stay long. A talked to a girl I haven't seen in a while. I had some fun, but I didn't get to hear the other bands, just my boyfriend's. It was fun for the most of it. We had a good time together.

I applied to work a staff member in some market that is held in my town every month as a photographer. I plan to convince them to have me because of my photos since there are many freelance photographers out there. Man, I just want to get distracted and also gain some popularity.

MONOCHROMATIC

I've been feeling some appeal for black and white lately and it's probably because August was a difficult month to me and people around me. We went through many disappointments and big scares that just by remembering it I feel down. I've been trying to take photos but it's been almost impossible; I'm not feeling inspired at all. I'm also intimidated by people. I wish I had the bravery to go outside and take some photographs but I'm always thinking "What if someone makes fun of me?" "What if someone wants to steal my camera?" and a bunch of lame excuses.

 

Anyways, I guess I'll have to work on that and try not to worry about it.

PROJECTS

I've been neglecting my blog but the reason is I'm building up material to share. Last week I ordered a CANON EF f/1.8 II and two days ago I finally had it in my hands. I was originally going to buy the CANON EF f/1.4 USM but I didn't get the money, so I decided to go for the cheaper option, still, I've fallen in love with this lens. I've been testing it out these days and I just can't stop taking photos. I choose the most silly objects and even it these aren't very interesting the results always amaze me. 

I have three photography projects in mind and in these weeks I hope I can get all the elements together in order to shoot the photos I want. One of them is more like a documentary project that I will be presenting in a photography class I'm taking right now, another one will be a series of surrealist portraits that will talk about my views on religion, the esoteric, and my philosophy, and the third will have to wait because I want to portrait Edgar Allan Poe; I'll try to choose important parts of his life and mix them with some of his short stories but first I need to read more about him, re-read some of the stories and find the model. I was thinking of picking my boyfriend but he has short hair at the time and I want to make it as close as possible to Poe's appearance. 

Anyways, I've had a terrible month full of disappointments and cancelled plans, I'm optimistic though because I've been very active creatively speaking, and I'm happy about that. I'm actually proud because all these ideas are stuff that came out of my head without anyone's help. I also have an idea for a 3D project (not like 3D movies). I'm thinking about doing a scenery but that will be explained after I have all the elements together.


And well, I shouldn't post without showing some pictures I guess:

Yeah, I know, these are actually pretty random but I was just testing the lens out. It's kind of difficult at first because the focus ring is really soft and it's very easy to have a photo with a failed focus, I was also testing it in low-light situations and I was very pleased with the results.

I REALLY HAVE BAD LUCK.

 My boyfriend took this.

As I was writing my last entry, I remember I had given out another e-mail for the jobs I applied, so I rushed and checked that account and I had a message from one of the departments to confirm an interview that same day, two hours before I checked the e-mail. I was so angry and frustrated because it was all my fault; in my worrying of having those e-mails lost among all the junk I receive everyday in my personal e-mail, I made a new one to get messages from teachers, classmates, and anything related to school, turns out I completely forgot about it, until the very day I needed it.
 

I'm not sure I believe in luck (sometimes I want to), but if luck exists then I guess I really am having a terrible time right now. I don't know if I should consider that possibility, you know? Going to a local esoteric stuff and ask for a cleansing because things have been terrible for me. I really need money and I really want to work, it just seems that things aren't working out for me. What should I do? I feel silly by making this question. I'm trying to keep my high hopes, concentrate on other things, take pictures, make plans, and that's what I'm doing, but once in a while I feel a whole in my chest every time I think about all this lost opportunities. 

I do want to succeed; I want to turn my plans real. Anyways, I'm not as depressed as I thought I would be. I still have hope that I will make things work somehow, probably not on the same projects but I know that something else might pop up and I'll take the opportunity if I can. I'm still young, still a student, and I should put pressure on me to "compete" with other people, thinking that at my age I should be doing this and that. I suppose circumstances are different for everybody and in my case, things are not working the way I want to, so I should adapt without losing focus on my main goal. I guess I'll have to wait for some things to happen, and I should let myself down because somethings failed. 

Because of all the negative stuff I guess I'll have to put all that bad stuff into something good. I'm thinking of doing a photoshoot this week, with my boyfriend and it will include some self-portraits too. I need to find some props though because I think that for some photos my short hair won't work for my intend, so I need to find someone who can lend me a wing, or somewhere I can buy one at a short price. I also need to find the right locations to make the shots; since I live in a very dull city that lacks of natural beauty, I really need to look hard for the perfect place. Sucks. I'm actually excited because I already had the concepts and symbols in mind, I also have most of the artist statement figured out, I just need to sit down, work on a draft, revise it and then put everything together to construct it. I think I should focus on doing personal work and have material for my classes, and stuff I can show once I graduate (that won't happen soon though). I don't know, I guess I'm still growing, and there's so much I still have to learn. Maybe I'm not prepared for work, to show it and charge for it? I still don't feel comfortable by calling myself an artist (and I don't think I'll ever be), or a photographer. I'll work hard, really hard.

Well, well, well.

It didn't work out... the job. I was so excited about it, I already had my plans! I was so happy that finally I was going to be able to upgrade my photography equipment, but at the very end the dates changed and they are not working for me; I'm going to be on my midterms the days of the shooting. I cried the day my friend told me there was going to be a change of plans because I knew already that it wasn't going to work for me. 


I will be donating plasma, so I'm going to save the money they'll give me to buy the lens I want. I want to start working as a freelance photographer, mostly because I want to help my parents out, at least with my expenses; we're so tight on money, I'm worrying sick they will tell me they won't be able to pay for college anymore. I might be overreacting, but sometimes I'm scared about it. So I applied for some jobs; I'm still waiting to get a call from them. I really don't know if I'm a good applicant and if they will hire me - I really don't have that much confidence but I guess it's good to try -. The pay would be great for me, at least to pay for my school supplies, and extra credits. The real world sucks; being an adult is so scary.

On other news: I recently got a Pentax Asahi MX, with three lenses, and a Pentax AF 200S flash. It's a film camera, and when I bought it I asked the guys if it was still working, they told me it was still working, that I just needed to add a film roll and it was ready to go. I bought everything for about 50 bucks. When I got home I checked the manual on the Internet, and also looked through the viewfinder (something I should've done before buying it), and it was pitch black! I was able to see some numbers, but the mirror was definitely not working, so I took it downstairs for my boyfriend to see it, and we googled the issue. The mirror was stuck in the up position and there is no way I can make it to stay down. There were some steps to fix it but honestly I'm afraid I might make things worse. So I searched on eBay the prices for the camera and the lens, and the whole thing costs about 300-400 bucks! Even if the camera doesn't work, by selling it for parts I will get more money from it than returning it and getting my 50 bucks back. The lens are beautiful, that's the only thing that keeps me from selling the whole thing, so I'll take the camera somewhere to see if it can be repaired, hopefully.

I also developed a film roll that I used with my Argus C3 -a camera that was given to me on May by my mom's friend-. The photos turned out really pretty and I was surprised when I opened the package because I was expecting a bunch of terribly over/underexposed images, but only half of the roll turned out that way, the rest were a successful first try!  

 

I also got a Diana+ that one my boyfriend's friends gave to me. I still need to go and check if they sell some 120 rolls in a local photography store. My boyfriend and I are planning on selling some prints once we get our lomography thing started on a local market that's always held the first Sunday of every month. I'm also considering the possibility of selling some on Etsy and Redbubble too. So, yeah, I guess it's going to be really stressful and interesting this next semester. Hope everything works out for me and everybody.