I REALLY HAVE BAD LUCK.

 My boyfriend took this.

As I was writing my last entry, I remember I had given out another e-mail for the jobs I applied, so I rushed and checked that account and I had a message from one of the departments to confirm an interview that same day, two hours before I checked the e-mail. I was so angry and frustrated because it was all my fault; in my worrying of having those e-mails lost among all the junk I receive everyday in my personal e-mail, I made a new one to get messages from teachers, classmates, and anything related to school, turns out I completely forgot about it, until the very day I needed it.
 

I'm not sure I believe in luck (sometimes I want to), but if luck exists then I guess I really am having a terrible time right now. I don't know if I should consider that possibility, you know? Going to a local esoteric stuff and ask for a cleansing because things have been terrible for me. I really need money and I really want to work, it just seems that things aren't working out for me. What should I do? I feel silly by making this question. I'm trying to keep my high hopes, concentrate on other things, take pictures, make plans, and that's what I'm doing, but once in a while I feel a whole in my chest every time I think about all this lost opportunities. 

I do want to succeed; I want to turn my plans real. Anyways, I'm not as depressed as I thought I would be. I still have hope that I will make things work somehow, probably not on the same projects but I know that something else might pop up and I'll take the opportunity if I can. I'm still young, still a student, and I should put pressure on me to "compete" with other people, thinking that at my age I should be doing this and that. I suppose circumstances are different for everybody and in my case, things are not working the way I want to, so I should adapt without losing focus on my main goal. I guess I'll have to wait for some things to happen, and I should let myself down because somethings failed. 

Because of all the negative stuff I guess I'll have to put all that bad stuff into something good. I'm thinking of doing a photoshoot this week, with my boyfriend and it will include some self-portraits too. I need to find some props though because I think that for some photos my short hair won't work for my intend, so I need to find someone who can lend me a wing, or somewhere I can buy one at a short price. I also need to find the right locations to make the shots; since I live in a very dull city that lacks of natural beauty, I really need to look hard for the perfect place. Sucks. I'm actually excited because I already had the concepts and symbols in mind, I also have most of the artist statement figured out, I just need to sit down, work on a draft, revise it and then put everything together to construct it. I think I should focus on doing personal work and have material for my classes, and stuff I can show once I graduate (that won't happen soon though). I don't know, I guess I'm still growing, and there's so much I still have to learn. Maybe I'm not prepared for work, to show it and charge for it? I still don't feel comfortable by calling myself an artist (and I don't think I'll ever be), or a photographer. I'll work hard, really hard.