MONOCHROMATIC

I've been feeling some appeal for black and white lately and it's probably because August was a difficult month to me and people around me. We went through many disappointments and big scares that just by remembering it I feel down. I've been trying to take photos but it's been almost impossible; I'm not feeling inspired at all. I'm also intimidated by people. I wish I had the bravery to go outside and take some photographs but I'm always thinking "What if someone makes fun of me?" "What if someone wants to steal my camera?" and a bunch of lame excuses.

 

Anyways, I guess I'll have to work on that and try not to worry about it.

PROJECTS

I've been neglecting my blog but the reason is I'm building up material to share. Last week I ordered a CANON EF f/1.8 II and two days ago I finally had it in my hands. I was originally going to buy the CANON EF f/1.4 USM but I didn't get the money, so I decided to go for the cheaper option, still, I've fallen in love with this lens. I've been testing it out these days and I just can't stop taking photos. I choose the most silly objects and even it these aren't very interesting the results always amaze me. 

I have three photography projects in mind and in these weeks I hope I can get all the elements together in order to shoot the photos I want. One of them is more like a documentary project that I will be presenting in a photography class I'm taking right now, another one will be a series of surrealist portraits that will talk about my views on religion, the esoteric, and my philosophy, and the third will have to wait because I want to portrait Edgar Allan Poe; I'll try to choose important parts of his life and mix them with some of his short stories but first I need to read more about him, re-read some of the stories and find the model. I was thinking of picking my boyfriend but he has short hair at the time and I want to make it as close as possible to Poe's appearance. 

Anyways, I've had a terrible month full of disappointments and cancelled plans, I'm optimistic though because I've been very active creatively speaking, and I'm happy about that. I'm actually proud because all these ideas are stuff that came out of my head without anyone's help. I also have an idea for a 3D project (not like 3D movies). I'm thinking about doing a scenery but that will be explained after I have all the elements together.


And well, I shouldn't post without showing some pictures I guess:

Yeah, I know, these are actually pretty random but I was just testing the lens out. It's kind of difficult at first because the focus ring is really soft and it's very easy to have a photo with a failed focus, I was also testing it in low-light situations and I was very pleased with the results.

I REALLY HAVE BAD LUCK.

 My boyfriend took this.

As I was writing my last entry, I remember I had given out another e-mail for the jobs I applied, so I rushed and checked that account and I had a message from one of the departments to confirm an interview that same day, two hours before I checked the e-mail. I was so angry and frustrated because it was all my fault; in my worrying of having those e-mails lost among all the junk I receive everyday in my personal e-mail, I made a new one to get messages from teachers, classmates, and anything related to school, turns out I completely forgot about it, until the very day I needed it.
 

I'm not sure I believe in luck (sometimes I want to), but if luck exists then I guess I really am having a terrible time right now. I don't know if I should consider that possibility, you know? Going to a local esoteric stuff and ask for a cleansing because things have been terrible for me. I really need money and I really want to work, it just seems that things aren't working out for me. What should I do? I feel silly by making this question. I'm trying to keep my high hopes, concentrate on other things, take pictures, make plans, and that's what I'm doing, but once in a while I feel a whole in my chest every time I think about all this lost opportunities. 

I do want to succeed; I want to turn my plans real. Anyways, I'm not as depressed as I thought I would be. I still have hope that I will make things work somehow, probably not on the same projects but I know that something else might pop up and I'll take the opportunity if I can. I'm still young, still a student, and I should put pressure on me to "compete" with other people, thinking that at my age I should be doing this and that. I suppose circumstances are different for everybody and in my case, things are not working the way I want to, so I should adapt without losing focus on my main goal. I guess I'll have to wait for some things to happen, and I should let myself down because somethings failed. 

Because of all the negative stuff I guess I'll have to put all that bad stuff into something good. I'm thinking of doing a photoshoot this week, with my boyfriend and it will include some self-portraits too. I need to find some props though because I think that for some photos my short hair won't work for my intend, so I need to find someone who can lend me a wing, or somewhere I can buy one at a short price. I also need to find the right locations to make the shots; since I live in a very dull city that lacks of natural beauty, I really need to look hard for the perfect place. Sucks. I'm actually excited because I already had the concepts and symbols in mind, I also have most of the artist statement figured out, I just need to sit down, work on a draft, revise it and then put everything together to construct it. I think I should focus on doing personal work and have material for my classes, and stuff I can show once I graduate (that won't happen soon though). I don't know, I guess I'm still growing, and there's so much I still have to learn. Maybe I'm not prepared for work, to show it and charge for it? I still don't feel comfortable by calling myself an artist (and I don't think I'll ever be), or a photographer. I'll work hard, really hard.

Well, well, well.

It didn't work out... the job. I was so excited about it, I already had my plans! I was so happy that finally I was going to be able to upgrade my photography equipment, but at the very end the dates changed and they are not working for me; I'm going to be on my midterms the days of the shooting. I cried the day my friend told me there was going to be a change of plans because I knew already that it wasn't going to work for me. 


I will be donating plasma, so I'm going to save the money they'll give me to buy the lens I want. I want to start working as a freelance photographer, mostly because I want to help my parents out, at least with my expenses; we're so tight on money, I'm worrying sick they will tell me they won't be able to pay for college anymore. I might be overreacting, but sometimes I'm scared about it. So I applied for some jobs; I'm still waiting to get a call from them. I really don't know if I'm a good applicant and if they will hire me - I really don't have that much confidence but I guess it's good to try -. The pay would be great for me, at least to pay for my school supplies, and extra credits. The real world sucks; being an adult is so scary.

On other news: I recently got a Pentax Asahi MX, with three lenses, and a Pentax AF 200S flash. It's a film camera, and when I bought it I asked the guys if it was still working, they told me it was still working, that I just needed to add a film roll and it was ready to go. I bought everything for about 50 bucks. When I got home I checked the manual on the Internet, and also looked through the viewfinder (something I should've done before buying it), and it was pitch black! I was able to see some numbers, but the mirror was definitely not working, so I took it downstairs for my boyfriend to see it, and we googled the issue. The mirror was stuck in the up position and there is no way I can make it to stay down. There were some steps to fix it but honestly I'm afraid I might make things worse. So I searched on eBay the prices for the camera and the lens, and the whole thing costs about 300-400 bucks! Even if the camera doesn't work, by selling it for parts I will get more money from it than returning it and getting my 50 bucks back. The lens are beautiful, that's the only thing that keeps me from selling the whole thing, so I'll take the camera somewhere to see if it can be repaired, hopefully.

I also developed a film roll that I used with my Argus C3 -a camera that was given to me on May by my mom's friend-. The photos turned out really pretty and I was surprised when I opened the package because I was expecting a bunch of terribly over/underexposed images, but only half of the roll turned out that way, the rest were a successful first try!  

 

I also got a Diana+ that one my boyfriend's friends gave to me. I still need to go and check if they sell some 120 rolls in a local photography store. My boyfriend and I are planning on selling some prints once we get our lomography thing started on a local market that's always held the first Sunday of every month. I'm also considering the possibility of selling some on Etsy and Redbubble too. So, yeah, I guess it's going to be really stressful and interesting this next semester. Hope everything works out for me and everybody.

Good news

I'm so excited! And I should probably not make a big deal out of this - I must admit I am even a little bit scared of spilling the news and spoiling everything - but I got a job offer. It's not permanent though, it's just going to be for a couple of weeks, but it is a huge opportunity for me. I will be working as a Still Photographer in a film (is that correct? I don't know how you're supposed to say that in English). I will be payed and the best thing is I can put that in my resumé! I lack of job experience and that is always something that makes me feel insecure when wanting to apply for jobs, so I never do it. 

The sum is actually quite convenient for me because I might get payed up to 10K pesos, which is like 750~ (is not that much, I know but for me it is, believe me) and the minimum amount I will be payed will be 5K. It all depends on the amount of days they will spend on filming. The thing is, I'm an idiot; I already know how I will spend my money and I'm so very excited! 

I hopefully will buy this baby; even if I get payed the minimum sum, when doing the pesos-dollar conversion, I get the exact amount I need to buy it. It is like a dream come true and I'm so scared because I'm afraid that something happens and everything gets ruined. It's a huge responsibility over my shoulders but I guess this is what it feels like having a job and I'm not really used to this feelings.

The script is very violent and I'll have to travel. In my country things are crazy and I'll have to go to one of the most violent cities here. Some shootings will be held at certain districts of the city that are known for high crime rates plus, some scenes will contain some gore (or a lot of blood for what I know) and raw language. I read the whole thing a couple of hours ago, just to know what kind of scenes I must focus on and imagine the whole thing in my head; I think that's giving me a little bit of advantage. It's not going to be a super production but a lot of money will be spent there, that's for sure.

Hope everything turns out well and if it does, in a couple of weeks, probably in a month, I might have the lens I've been wanting to buy for years.

Edit: I might get this as a present:

When did I become lucky? This is getting scary.

Demotivational charge

This week I had the fortune to have two photoshoots. The first was with a family, my cousin's family; his wife called me a month ago asking me for some pictures and I was glad enough to do it that I didn't even charge her (not even a minimal amount). Just a week ago, another cousin called me asking me for a video for his husband and some photos, again I was happy to do it since I really need some practice and portfolio material, but then it started to get me. I was thinking of the money I could have right now if these photoshoots weren't asked from family. I really enjoy taking pictures, and most of the time editing them, but I've been feeling terrible since I don't have good equipment to carry on and I really have to fight in order to get some.

These are just a few pictures I happened to like a lot from the first photoshoot:

This is my niece, she's a very shy girl. When I entered my cousin's apartment I called her a couple of times and she ran to hide behind her mother. I asked my cousin's wife if she was shy or difficult to talk to, she just told me the baby was a little bit slow in terms of socializing but sooner or later she was going to feel curiosity, so I kept talking to the baby. I tried to ask questions and tell her I knew her games, that I was a kid too, and by the end of the photoshoot she was carefree and ran to me to have her picture taken.

We went to a beautiful place near their house; I wanted it to be in natural light because I still am not very confident with flashes (also I don't own equipment), so I tried to do my best with natural light. I told them to carry things for the photoshoot, they thought these were props but my intent was to have something that they could use as distraction so the pictures would turn out more natural.

It is hard enough for me to talk to people when I'm not used to (though I'm trying and I think I'm doing a pretty decent job), so it is harder to tell them "Hey, pose like this! Do this!" so when I take pictures like these I usually start by telling people: "Talk about something funny", the rest is up to them. 

My cousins were singing songs so the baby would dance and just after her dance, she dropped a bottle of glitter. She was extremely worried and everyone was mocking her (in a friendly way of course), so expressions like these are the ones I like to capture.

I feel happy about these pictures but now that I look at them I think of many ways of doing this job better; I suppose that's how it works. So, thanks to this shoot, I got one client. Since I uploaded these photos at Facebook, my cousins friends saw them and started making positive comments about them, so, one of these friends added me and asked me how much I was charging for a photoshoot and here is where I'm having a problem:

"Professional" photographers charge around 500-700 dlls for a photoshoot in my town and since I'm not a professional (I plan to become one though), of course I can't charge that much money! Nobody would pay me that much money for my photography! When this person contacted me, I told her I would charge her 60 dlls for 200 photos per session and 30 edited photos, she said it was great and she also told me about her little niece. I told her I would charge two sessions, so I now I will have 120 dlls in my pocket, but just after I told her the price, I banged my head to the table because I just realized maybe I could've charged a little bit more. 

The thing is: How do I balance the price of what I do? I was planning to charge small amounts of money and then charging more. I even told this lady that I wasn't a professional, that I was just starting and I was going to be cheap, but I want to know what's the limit on cheap stuff? This person thought 60 dlls was great, I want to know what's the limit, if people think that, I don't know, 100 dlls is a good deal for a simple session. I guess I'll have to investigate, it'll be hard. 

It's scary to be comissioned, I'm always afraid I won't do the job well, that something will fail at the very end. I'm also afraid to reject events because I don't have the right equipment to cover it. It's shameful and that's why I don't put myself out there, trying to sell a product. I feel like I'm still inside my nest, trying to fly and people come and feed me small amounts of food because I'm really scared to be out there hunting for my own stuff. 

I guess nobody with a good advice read this, I wish someone did though because I really need guidance from someone who knows this deal and business. Still, I'm happy I will be having two photoshoots soon, aside from all my insecurities and the fact that I know I'm selling a cheap product, I'm hopeful that this will be a good impulse for something bigger.

Inspiration, that is what is all about!

Lately I've been extremely interested in reading/watching all I can about photography. I've been going back and forth with my professional goals. When people ask me what I want to do with my Fine Arts degree once I graduate I always respond: "I want to pursue a career in animation or illustration to work as a concept artist for an animation/videogame company", and that would be great -I haven't dropped that goal- but lately I've felt more drawn to photography than before. To be honest I don't know why that it; I think that photography offers an immediate response to what you're looking for (considering you get the shot you want), and portraying the subject is more accurate. I guess whatever path I choose, I'll be glad. Call me a coward but I feel photography will pay my bills and I think it might be smart to focus on it; I am actually okay with that because I really enjoy photography.

The past few days I've been wandering through the internet, looking at great photographers and feeling inspired, so I want to share a few of the findings I've got lately.

Photograph by: BurlapZack

For example, this great portrait. I fell in love with it when I first saw it. Why? Well, just look at it! It's so fun and out of the ordinary. One of the things I love is the DOF, I mean, who doesn't love such a whimsical DOF like that? For portraiture I think it is fundamental to focus just on the subject and leave everything else to a big aperture's mercy, right? Besides, the quirkiness in it just makes me smile and I just want to be part of that day.

Marji Lang's photojournalistic photographs are amazing. They inspire me and make me want to travel as soon as I can. I can't show her photographs from flickr because downloading them is disabled but it's just a click away in this paragraph. To be honest, I envy anyone who can take their camera to dinamic places with rich architecture and interesting subjects to shoot like Hideaki Hamada for example:

Photo by: Hideaki Hamada

I love his photography and one of the main reasons is because when I think about Japan, I usually picture an urban, extremely busy environment, full of lights, movement, and many people. In Hamada's pictures I get to see a calmer and relaxed ambience which makes me feel warm. I enjoy his Haru and Mina series quite a lot too. I just simply feel inspired by his wonderful work, and the fact that he uses film (mostly I believe), makes it all a very nostalgic approach to his life as an individual in an extremely modernized and technologized society. 

Photo by: Benoit Paille

Another personal favorite, Benoit Paille. I particularly enjoy his Strangers project because even if it looks as simple as requesting a photo from a stranger and then leaving, the whole concept is deeper than that. Interacting with someone you don't know, asking something, and taking a picture to make a memorable moment in that person's life. 

Many other people inspire me and I think I might start posting inspiring photographers at least once a week just as a reminder of what I want to achieve, where I want to be. To me looking at other people's work, analyzing it, and criticizing it is learning. I can actually see how things are supposed to be done, or how they work better. To me it is crucial to look at all the posibilities I have; considering I live in a really dull city, I often feel frustrated for not finding an inspiring place to shoot a picture, especially a safe place.